One of my super-duper blockbuster hit posts was “How to write lyrics for Bollywood movies“. The post was written during the previous incarnation of this blog, that was back in 2007. Although I am not immensely proud of it, this post escaped culling during my clean-up program. 

Please do read the comments section if you could.

That post went viral in 2007 and eventually flooded with hundreds of comments at various levels of LOL/FOFL/LMAO. I was literally hounded with email addresses and phone numbers asking me to consider them for a chance to write lyrics in an actual Bollywood movie!. Few of them used this opportunity to talk about their love life as well. 

Anyways, I was wondering, why not follow it up with my expanded horizon. Evidently, I am good at it anyways. So here it goes:

Warning: Rest of this post is extremely sarcastic, have a good laugh, it’s good for the heart. 

How to write lyrics for Punjabi pop songs

1. Always write lyrics in the first person – male. (main, mennu etc.)
2. Acknowledge that she has seizures inducing level of fair complexion or even Golden (!?!) 
3. Apparently, Pakistani beauties are so spectacular that explaining it will be blasphemous. Say that.
4. Tell her you to take her to a Euro-trip.
5. Tell her you are filthy rich like Scrooge McDuck and can afford to rent expensive transport such as Lamborghini.
6. Tell her how much alcohol your liver can metabolise per hour. 
7. Don’t worry; Director/choreographer will create an unmistakable gold digger model character.  

Alright, here it goes :

Oh Soni kudiye , Goriye ..
Tu inna soni hai.. tu India da ni , tu Peshawar do lagdi
Tu inna soni lagdi, the Pakistan do bhaslpany lagdi
Tu menu red flag lagdi , me yahanse jawangi
Tennu London ghumawanga , tennu Paris ghumawanga
Tennu assi Lamborghini dilawanga, ni chahida to Porsche dilawange
Duss tennu ko chahida ..
Mennu Gucci Zara dilade Prada lolui Vuitton dilade
Assi tussi Lamborghini main, aur papa ko no batayenge.
Hongi dope shope , pilavunga 15 bottle vodka. London Police pakdega etc.

How to write lyrics for a Kannada movie song

1. Again, go for the first-person male unless you are writing super romantic songs, which are not in fashion.
2. List mundane stuff you do in lyrics. (Use Soap, scrub well, Take a bath, brush teeth and so on. I am not kidding this is an actual song, rather famous one] 
3. Every alternate word has to be English, and a third should be in Hindi. 
4. Throw in some double meaning; the second meaning has to be profanity. 
5. Compare her to barely edible junk food which would like to swallow. (e.g. You look like Schezwan Noodles) 

I do not have written lyrics for you yet. Do let me know if you want me to write one, would take only five min to write industry-standard lyrics. 

How to write lyrics for Bollywood songs.

The 80s and 90s songs had a different pattern which was entirely revered in the last couple of decades. But from last two decades, the lyrical landscape is entirely changed. 

1. More 40% of Bollywood songs still are Punjabi. I got you covered there in the above section. 40% are remixes of 90s songs. So follow below rules for the remainder 20%.
2. Be deeply spiritual. Throw in a few Dua, which you asked with your khuda. 
3. Go ahead with plagiarism of folk songs and be unapologetic about it.
4. If you chose not to talk about liquor metabolism, you could always talk about the stuff from Manali.
5. Naina is the most used the word. Khamoshian stands at a remote second. Understandably, the Pakistani singers pronounce these words rather conveniently, and hence lyrics get tailored as well.

Get someone spit some rap about why are you a better rapper than others and why you owe it to your mother who burnt some roti while you were a kid.