Dhoom 3 – Transformers, smelling the fart and strip tease

Posted on December 27, 2013November 29, 2020 by bach

I was late for the party; I watched Dhoom 3 after the entire world and his wife. When I reached here, the Internet is filled with contents by Bhakts on how Dhoom 3 fulfilled their lives and without which Holidays would have been so dull. Twitter is trending with trends and screenshots of trends and tweeting why Twitter is trending with it. Box offices are shouting that this has broken all the records in Nepal, Pakistan, Somalia and Papua new-guinea; before this, we did not know movie industries existed out there. Oh Boy! Aamir Khan Movies are festivals on their own. You must be living under a rock if you haven’t bought one of these overpriced tickets and enjoyed the performance of Bollywood perfectionist.

Aamir Khan Bhakts who did not sense sarcasm above, this is when you close the browser.

Okay, let’s start. Within the first five minutes, the message comes out – loud and clear. A) Revenge is must whenever a banker does not lend you more money considering your ideas are nuts. B) never ever beg or plead in front of a gora. Instead, it’s cool to shoot yourself in front of kids. The Entire movie is built around these two principles – Aamir’s character(s) live for a) and dies with b)! Oh, joy! There is absolutely nothing else worth noting – it’s a regular masala flick – a formula with a half cup each of humiliated parent, extreme poverty, 25 years of revenge, cabaret for masses, surprise twins twist, shattering brick walls and flying rickshaws; add salt and pepper as per your taste.

Something must be said about Katrina. It appears like her entry to the movie is choreographed by a horny 17-year-old kid. The only good song in the entire film – Kamali, is a mix of two most popular adult movie genres, strip-tease and casting-couch. !!

Having expected as a heist movie, I thought it would show something smart like Ocean’s eleven. But No, robbery starts with him running away rather than a planned execution of theft itself. It was also told this movie is about magic. Which is also called circus for some undisclosed reasons, there isn’t any magic as well. Listen to this – for a magic trick, they keep one of the twins hidden for his entire lifespan – without even social security number Obamacare! How cool is that?

Okay, then it must be a race movie like its predecessors. Apparently, it isn’t that too, in fact, it does not even have a real race. While rest of the crowd follow in regular vehicles, Aamir rides on the second cousin of Optimus prime – youngest member of Autobot transformers. Apparently, riding it on the road is one of the boring things one can do with it when it can assemble itself as hovercraft and motorboat as well (did I miss helicopter?).

Abhishek and Uday are said to have enrolled under BharataRatna Sri Rajiv Gandhi Rojgar Yojna, even then this is Uday Chopra’s career-best performance. US characters in the movie are like never ageing vampires. The only person in the entire film with some acting experience is Aamir and him.

Aamir Khan smelling the fart screws is up. I don’t know hot explain but let me give a try – Aamir is “selectively differently-abled”. One of his characters cannot tie shoes. Still, note, he can operate an Autobot bike also can do acrobatic dances at par with Katrina. His character is very similar to “my name is Khan…”, King Khan messed it up, so did Aamir’s now.

The Most Annoying part is, he pulls out random expressions at random places. I was told Amir does Joey Tribbiani’s “smelling the fart” throughout the movie, allegedly intense acting. But I could note some more: ‘did I leave the gas on?’, ‘did I change my undie today?. And when he places an occasional smile in between all these intense souls searching questions, it looks like ‘That fart smells like cinnamon’.

Sorry about so many fart jokes, If you can explain it a better way, be my guest.

The movie itself has so many loopholes that you will be confused about ‘Saans Kahan se lein aur…’. (too many fart jokes eh?). Several posts are listing all the things which went wrong in this movie. Here, one of the most hilarious among them, by Mumbai boss.

Those who accused Aamir Khan as a perfectionist, please eat your shoes now, or that hat he wore.

Tees Maar Khan (aka Sheela Ki Jawani)

Posted on December 25, 2010 by bach

If Farah Khan thinks she can make a stupid movie with a fantastic item number and make it a biggest blockbuster, she probably is right. It works for Indian audience, and me. Tees Maar Khan was a houseful show in the middle of the week; probably it will remain so for rest of the holidays, unless a miracle happens. Her logic was simple, it’s feeling freezing out here and all we need is a racy raunchy number for this winter! 😉

Sheela Ki Jawani is totally fantastic! It has the same effect as some of the legendary items songs we had in this industry. I remember boys hostels going crazy over Babuji zara Dheere chalo, because there was a Bijli standing there, now it must be crazier since it is matter of Sheela’s Jawani! Whole movie can be tolerated to see this dance number. One more thing – the lyrics – semi-X rated “What’s my name…Ooh… Say my name”. 😉

The rest of the movie is plain simple stupid, it made little sense as any other Akshay Kumar movie and this can be easily counted as worst movie of 2010. It’s almost obvious that the movie was made for a bunch of 8 year olds, who giggle for anything jumping and running on the screen. They don’t need much explanation, do they? It’s like any cartoon network show; Tom loses his face for something Jerry does, and in the next scene Tom is alright and chasing Jerry again! There is little or no explanation why things are happening in the way they are happening. Those three stooges resemble penguins in the movie in Madagascar. I can go on, but in summary movie is a complete cartoon show – a bad one!

Plot was lifted from a disastrous Hollywood movie “After the Fox”. An international criminal plotting to rob a train filled with antiques, and does it by fooling an entire village. From an international thief, who apparently escaped every time he was caught; you would expect a lot of wit and skills. You would expect to see another Ocean’s eleven or Italian job, but no! There is nothing more than a Govinda from early 90s. Nothing in a Genius thief film leaves anything to your imagination – nothing smart.

Movie moves with a millions of technical mistakes, but there is no point complaining about it. It’s like any other holy book, filled with impossible stuff which cannot be questioned. If you need one example, the whole village scene was shot in a single camera – 200 actors in close up! And superstar Athish Kapoor does not find this odd!

Director Farah Khan is up against all those Indian or western movies with Indians those wanting to earn an Oscar (references to Amir Khan and Anil Kapoor). This movie looks like a campaign against them, like someone attending a social cause, in facebook. Every part of the movie tries to humiliate Oscar wannabes, or those who already got them. One more thing is, Bollywood’s idea of Oscar is to show poor villagers story (slumdog, Peepli) plus historical story (Lagaan). At end of the movie some European girls (new obsession of Bollywood) distribute fake Oscars to all camera-shy crew of this movie, including spot boys and light boys. Finally Farah arrives on stage and gets a real one and rubs it on buttock! BTW, have you heard the story about Fox and sour grapes?

Akshay Kumar is at his usual worst. I beg these directors to give him action role which he hasn’t done in decades. He is over used as henpecked coward, wetting his pants and running away from a headless ghost (Yes, you guessed it right – Sleepy Hollow.) Akshay Khanna with his usual irritating over acting, natural choice I would say. Only tolerable actor was Katrina Kaif, but her role itself was to overact! She is a wannabe-actor and a foxy bimbette, also Tees Mar Khan’s (aka Tabrez Mirza Khan) love interest. There is nothing much to discuss on acting department.

Good

Sheela ki Jawani
Just two hours of non-sense, not three.

Bad

All departments.
All the technical mistakes (a million of them)

And Ugly

Director’s of Idea of Oscars.
Cheep humour. Taking crap behind the bushes (literally) etc.

Talking about references, there is a guest appearance by Chunky Pandey who is presented as irresponsible narcissist, which I heard about him in real life as well. There is one more scene where Anil Kapoor dances on stage like a child, which also seems to be true. Come to Salman Khan, who gives a guest appearance in Tees Mar Khan’s (international criminal) Mohalla for a dance on a casual invite over a phone call, Now does this have any relevance in real life ? Just looking for some significance, symbolism etc. that’s all.

My advice – Please avoid. Watch Sheela ki Jawani on YouTube.

Movie review : Raajneeti 2010

Posted on June 8, 2010July 17, 2020 by bach

Raajneeti was a neat and decent movie, one more from Prakash Jha. I dint feel it was fantastic, definitely not a masterpiece as most of blogosphere felt. It wasn’t bad either, considering most of the Bollywood movies of this genre are disasters. I would rate this 6.5 out of 10 overall. Movie is well presented keeping story fast moving, the only reason why audience managed to sit back for three hours. I still feel they could have cut down the length without harming the gist of the movie.

I am a big fan of Ranbir Kapoor, for the fact that he always puts his best. He has beautifully managed his big character in this big movie. I can’t think of any other actor in business who could fit to this role of being young blood and smart. Katrina Kaif is not made for this but I could tolerate her anyway, no harm done. Nana Patekar, Ajay Devgan and Naseeruddin Shah were okay, but Manoj Bajpai and Arjun Rampal lost their pitch couple of times. There were definitely scopes of improvement in both acting and direction departments.

Movie is made for Indian’s with orthodox Indian masala genre. Good to see this presentation after a long time, since most current day Bollywood movies are made for NRIs with customised ‘butter chicken masala’. The language was good, classic Hindi(with some flaws). Something you can recall from the days of Doordarshan TV serials Chanakya, etc. presentation of thousands of supporters campaigning in open fields of a political arena was fantastic. Producers did not hold their selves from spending a single rupee.

***Spoiler alert***

Thumbs up for

Kabaddi: Cricket wouldn’t have given same punch.
Sound effect: The cinema I went to watch had very good sound system especially after effects of car explosion.

Thumbs down for

Language: sometime it became too much classic, sounding as if they are speaking some ancient knowledge. Few Urdu words also crawled in, which sounded odd.
Mother of the movie (Kunti) changes her political stands from ‘far left’ to ‘far right’. This rarely happens in real life, looked like Karl Marks selling ‘asset based securities’.
Sex, violence and pregnancies: Sex can be justified that Bollywood is moving ahead from “kissing flowers”. Violence is Jha’ movie signature, but what’s up with pregnancies? Does it prove Banks of Ganga is most fertile land in whole of India?
Fight: all four (Nana, Ranbir, Ajay and Manoj) can aim so well, looked amazingly stupid. Ranbir is supposed to be a PHd student.
What happens after epic war is over? Media is up to the neck of every character throughout the movie, but nobody cares after evil is dead?

By this time you already might have read about plot of this movie being inspired by ‘Godfather I’ and Mahabharata. I am attempting to list down the similarities, feel free to add if have missed any.

With Godfather I

There are Sonny Corleone (Arjun), and Michael Corleone (Ranbir), Tom Hagen (nana) and a character vaguely similar to veto Corleone.
Sonny’s character is of an established goon from the beginning, but Michael’s character (initially reluctant) gets dragged into Mafia after deaths of Vito and Sonny’s death.
Tom’s character masterminds most of the criminal activities, including one death on mate of Babulal. It was a horse in Godfather.
Assassination of Sonny, retaliation by Michael.

With Mahabharata,

The summary of movie: Dispute between cousins (for power) lead to ugly war, where state and royal family getting split between themselves. Survival of the smartest.
Notable incidents: Karna’s (Ajay) illegitimate birth to Kunti, who is mother for Pandavas (Arjun, Ranbir). Dalit family adopting Karna after retrieving from river Ganga, Kunti approaching Karna on behalf of Pandava’s (without Pandava knowledge). Karna rejecting this offer quoting friendship with Kauravas, constant support from Krishna to Arjuna including one minute Bhagavad-Gita on final stages of war, bullet proof car being symbolic to Kavach.
Characteristics of characters: Arjuna’s ability to win (hearts of) women, sharing Draupadi with brothers (singular here) on Kunti’s approval, Krishna’s cunningness, Karna’s friendship, Duryodhan’s rage, bedridden Dhrutarastra.